Frankenson: Parenting Advice
What’s a mad scientist to do when his creation shows an interest in the birds and bees?
My dearest Victor, it’s never easy for a parent—or mad scientist—to come to grips with their creation’s budding interest in dating. It seems like only yesterday you were stitching together salvaged body parts and now your creation’s grown up and bringing a girl home for dinner.
If I had to pinpoint the remark which lead your son to declare later that night his desire to move as far away from you as possible, to Antarctica no less, it would probably be when you mentioned his new girlfriend’s “high body count”. However, even before that ill-conceived attempt at humour, there were many smaller missteps I feel we need to address.
For instance, do you think it’s right to place so much emphasis on his lady friend’s appearance? No, my dear doctor, remarking “At least she’s got nice bolt-ons” is not excused by your trying to find “Something, anything to compliment her on”. You could have complimented her striking beehive updo—if you really had to go there.
While we’re on the subject of looks… It’s only natural to want the very best for one’s child, but let me be blunt when I say your son’s no Adonis. (He’s barely an Adam if we’re being honest.) A fact of which he is well aware; you will recall that on many occasions he has lamented, “I am alone and miserable. Only someone as ugly as I am could love me”. This lass from the Orkney Islands is probably as good as he’ll get.
At any rate, it’s what’s in the heart that matters. And what’s inside your son’s heart is “Love the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe”. A little overwrought, but what can one expect from a hormonal teenager? While his feelings might seem a tad dramatic to you, recalling the tempest of your own adolescence might help put things into perspective.
With your many years of wisdom, you know that young love is like roses in May, to your son—you neglected to give him a Christian name so I’ll refer to him as Frankenstein. What kind of a caregiver fails to… Sorry, I digress. What was I trying to get at? Ah, yes, to young Frankenstein, matters of the heart can feel like life and death itself.
A little empathy is always the right salve when hearing something as crushing as “I hate you; I wish I was dead!”, or in your son’s poetic turn of phrase, “Hateful day when I received life! Accursed creator!” With all due respect, that was a fairly mild reaction to a ‘birds and bees’ talk expressed as trying to prevent “a race of hideous abominations”.
Your son has a lot on his plate these days. He’s behind his classmates scholastically considering—and again, Father of the Year here—he had to teach himself how to read (and speak!). To young Frankenstein’s utmost credit, he’s also volunteering with the underprivileged; repairing cottages, gathering firewood, and reading to the blind. Add to that, navigating his first-ever relationship and adjusting to upheaval in his home life.
That’s a heavy load to bear, even with an eight-foot frame!
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials are in order, of course. I wish you and the lovely Miss Lavenza all the very best. However, consider the impact it will have on your son, it will feel as though you are abandoning him all over again. I beg you, reassure him there’ll be no need to compete with his new stepmother for your time or affection.
Have you ever considered “Reginald”, by the way? I had a Great Uncle Reginald… It’s a nice sort of name—very dignified.
More in the series:
Body Snatchers and Snitches: etiquette for grave occasions
Double Trouble: Doppelganger Dos and Don'ts
Please consider buyingmeacoffee or becoming a paid subscriber to support my frankenchildren, er, articles.