How to Fool People into Thinking You’re Attractive
How to use the brain’s hierarchical encoding of visual information, colour, symmetry, and exaggeration to your advantage.
If you’ve implemented the suggestions in my Low-Effort Ways to Be More Likeable guide, you are now the toast of the town. People like you, though they can’t quite pinpoint why. But do they lust after you? In our appearance-obsessed culture, personality doesn’t matter. What you need are some low-effort ways to enhance your sex appeal.
Surround yourself with mediocrity
I bet you’ve been fed self-help aphorisms the likes of “Avoid being a big fish in a small pond” and “Don’t be part of the herd”. Perhaps you’ve even been sold the whole enchilada of lies with “The whole cannot be greater than the sum of its parts”?
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
The cheerleader effect is the phenomenon whereby an individual appears more attractive just by being part of a group. You’d be doing the group a favour, too, as the attractiveness of the group evaluated as a whole is rated as higher than the individuals’ average. There might not be safety in numbers, but there is the illusion of hotness.
The cheerleader effect arises due to the hierarchical way in which our brain encodes visual information. When looking at a group, an ensemble representation of all the faces is created first. We only then evaluate the individual faces in the group, which are biased to the group average they helped create. And average faces—such as composite faces created by blending photos of numerous individuals—are attractive faces.
It just goes to show you’ve been doing Tinder right all along when you uploaded a profile picture featuring fifteen of your closest friends.
Frame thy fearful symmetry
Although internal organs (and testicles descended to escape the body’s core temperature) are asymmetrical by design, the more symmetrical our outward appearance, the healthier and consequently more attractive we appear.
Average faces are appealing as they are typical, and our taxed brain loves nothing better than what’s familiar and easy to process. Moreover, when scientists average many individual faces, they can produce a chimeric face that’s more symmetrical than its constituent parts.
High levels of symmetry signal your suitability as a mate. The cells of your developing body are at the mercy of environmental factors such as heat, cold, radiation, toxic chemicals, and viral infections. Your developing body must be robust to these epigenetic stressors to correctly follow the instructions coded in your genes. Otherwise, you might end up with a right leg longer than your left and an ensuing awkward gait.
Proof that you have weathered this storm of “biological noise” relatively unscathed indicates a high level of developmental stability —a marker of fitness you can pass down to your children. Naturally, it could also mean you were exposed to fewer stressors—also desirable—rather than being particularly robust to them. (Our cells continue to be exposed to a maelstrom of internal and external stressors throughout our lives, not just within the womb, of course.)
Developmental stability results in low fluctuating asymmetry. That is, fewer deviations from perfect symmetry of both sides of the face and body. Symmetry, particularly as it relates to limb length, indicates overall biological quality in a highly visible way. Symmetrical people are not only healthier and thus more attractive (with a pleasanter voice to boot), but are also more intelligent and have a better memory.
Online dating is an option if you feel your face is not symmetrical enough. It’s easy to create a chimeric face for your profile picture in a semi-elaborate catfish operation. Blending different skin tones might give your profile picture a mottled appearance, but not to worry, you can pretend the final grainy black and white image is down to your penchant for artsy filters.
You could also use two halves of your left side to generate a more symmetrical visage—then you’d only be half a catfish and only partially dishonest. This sort of ruse would allow your date to see your good side as the left side of your face is more expressive and thus more easily conveys warmth and approachability.
Further, a face composed of two left rather than right sides is less recognisable. We predominately focus on the part of a person’s face that’s in our left visual field. This is due to face processing being mostly the racket of the right cerebral hemisphere. (The right side of the brain controls the left side of the body—or a least we’ll say that for simplicity’s sake). Thus, while being two-faced, you can ensure your deception will fly under the radar of acquaintances who stumble upon your shameful face-fishing.
When you finally meet in person for that romantic candlelit dinner, you’ll have to obscure the right half of your face behind your menu or a conveniently placed centrepiece the entire evening. If you’re more theatrical, why not channel the intriguing Phantom of the Opera and his stylish half mask or the enigmatic beauty of 1940s film star Veronica Lake and her asymmetrical waterfall hairstyle?
Sexy and mysterious, who can withstand your fearful symmetry?
Note that there is some necessary and desirable asymmetry of the body: testicles, internal organs, and the hemispheric specialisation of the brain.
People born with isometric defects are more symmetrical on the inside than one ought to be—with disastrous consequences. A heart does not need two right atrial appendages, nor do you need lungs with the same number of lobes on both sides. However, you certainly need a spleen, an organ a person whose left is a mirror of their right is lacking. (A person with isometric defects biased to the left, in contrast, would possess two spleens, presumably giving them superior venting abilities.)
Our brain is anatomically and functionally asymmetrical for efficiency, reminiscent of a factory that runs smoothly due to the specialisation of its machinery and workers. Concentrating on one task rather than switching between multiple tasks is simply the smart thing to do.
The two cerebral hemispheres have specialised functions and, by extension, dominate specific skills. For example, gesture, language and tool use is typically lateralised to the left. Left and right work collaboratively and relay information through the connective tissue known as the corpus callosum.
Cerebral dominance does not imply exclusivity. In most people, including even left-handers, the left hemisphere is responsible for deciphering syntax (the logical ordering of a sentence). However, the right hemisphere processes prosody (the emotional tenor of speech) and the contextual information that enables us to understand sarcasm, metaphor, humour, and indirect requests.
A lack of cerebral hemispheric asymmetry is associated with “cognitive and emotional difficulties”.
As most men are right-handed, the right testicle develops to be larger, as noted by the sculptors of Antiquity. It also sits higher, a fact which they overlooked. I suppose that if a man’s testicles were symmetrical, they would knock together like some sort of sad and spongy Newton’s Cradle every time they became desynchronised. They’d also take up too much space hanging at the same height.
Moreover, it seems preferable for one testicle to reside further away from the body, keeping it cooler and consequently creating conditions favourable to spermatogenesis (sperm production). While nude, mean scrotal temperature is “significantly lower on the left than on the right”, lending credence to this theory.
You can read Chris McManus’ excellent synthesis of the structural and functional asymmetries of the human body, down to the molecular level, and the impact it has had on all human cultures in the prize-winning Right Hand, Left Hand. This book includes the results of his great undertaking, that of scrutinising the “stone scrota” of sculptures across galleries in Italy, for which he received an Ig Nobel Prize.
Be handicapped
According to Zahavi’s handicap principle, good genetic quality can be signalled through wasteful sexual ornament or unnecessary, energy-depleting behaviour. In a nutshell, a handicap signals one’s superiority because the lesser male cannot emulate it and hope to survive.
One such example is the peacock’s extravagant plumage which serves no purpose other than wooing the plain-looking peahen whilst demoralising the lesser peacocks. This secondary sex characteristic evolved despite impeding flight. However, it’s far from useless, conferring a reproductive advantage. It’s as if the peacock were telling prospective mates, “These pretty feathers? I grew them just because I could. You know, for a lark. I mean, for a peahen. Anyway, wanna see me shake my tail feathers?”
I find it amusing that pick-up artists recommend “peacocking” but have missed the point entirely. Granted, if someone is already interested, an unusual fashion statement will enable them to strike up a conversation with you. In that sense, gaudy accessories have their uses. However, you are not a peacock, dammit; sticking a feather in your hat (and calling it macaroni) signals nothing but your abysmal lack of (fashion) sense.
In human males, a signal of quality can only be expressed behaviourally. After all, you haven’t evolved any secondary sexual characteristics which are costly, pointless and conspicuous, have you? A tail or a right red rump, mayhap?
It is a man’s generosity, the sharing of his demonstrably plentiful resources, easily procured by someone of his level of diligence and intelligence, which signals his social dominance and quality as a mate in human society (and not flashy feathers). This type of handicapping is known as competitive altruism.
True peacocking would be paying for a round of drinks in a group setting or treating a lady to a fancy dinner. When you think about it, it’s a small price to pay compared with the pregnancy and childbirth a female partner will endure passing on your genes, but, hey, if you feel your money is better spent on parachute pants and a feather boa, who am I to stop you?
A related social phenomenon is our penchant for conspicuous consumption. A profligate waste of money, such as purchasing designer handbags or sneakers, or spraying yourself with Moet et Chandon, communicates that you are wealthy and of high-status.
One’s girthy designer wallet is not as “honest” or reliable a signal as the majesty of a peacock’s tail, given that it can be emulated by someone three days away from having their kneecaps smashed in by a loan shark. However, if you are interested in a nubile young partner who’s hoping you’ll die sometime in between saying “I do” and the wedding night, it’s a strategy I heartily recommend.
Public donations are also thought to be a form of costly signalling to exert social dominance. Examples include having the wing of a hospital named after you or donating “Fruit Stapled to Wall” to an art gallery. Curators forced to replenish your “art” installation every time it decomposes and slides down the wall, it must be said, strongly suspect you’re laundering money whilst gifting yourself a hefty tax break.
Similarly, the urge to build cathedrals tall enough to scrape the heavens and fill them with music so beautiful it could make the very angels weep is often reduced to nothing more than a man’s need to get laid by evolutionary psychologists. Romantic, aren’t they?
This ignores not only half of humanity but one simple fact: a bird’s song may have no greater purpose than ensnaring a mate, but our artistic endeavours are a coping mechanism. Art is a means of grappling with the human condition and a universe that fills us with awe and existential dread. After all, we are both blessed and burdened—the only known living organism capable of contemplating life itself.
Red in tooth and claw? Rawr!
Work on your sartorial sense? That sounds like a lot of effort to me. So keep donning your schlubby get-up but make sure it’s red. Preference for the colour red is universal and observed to be equally appealing whether adorning men or women.
In the animal kingdom, red colouration is often associated with social dominance as it indicates health—skin vascularisation being a ‘costly’ form of ornamentation. You guessed it, Zahavi’s handicap principle strikes again; it’s simply not possible to keep up peripheral blood circulation below the skin unless you’re presently healthy.
The colour red puts us in mind of the flush of sexual arousal, tinging it with excitement through association. Does this account for the popularity of rouge and red lipstick? Does it stand to reason women paint their lips redder than a baboon’s rump (and face) to attract a man?
Among the wackier theories proposed is that a ruddy mouth reminds men of another set of lips, that of a woman’s labia, preferably flushed during ovulation when she is theoretically the most receptive to sexual advances. And therefore, at her most appealing. (Let the knowledge that genital and lip colour covaries haunt your every waking moment and detract from all your social interactions from this point forth. You are welcome.)
Ovulation is writ large on the face. It not only alters a woman’s pupillary dilation and skin texture while increasing her facial symmetry but manifests in the rosiness of her lips. But not cheeks, so stop buying rouge; and start buying lipstick and belladonna drops.
For Caucasian women, “much of the contrast between the lips and facial skin is in redness”. Thus, increased redness enhanced the femininity (i.e. sex typically) and attractiveness of female faces, while the reverse is true of male faces. Apart from mimicking the vasodilation associated with sexual arousal, lip colour contrast may also be associated with “oxygenated blood perfusion indicating oestrogen levels, sexual arousal, and cardiac and respiratory health”. Thus, red lips indicate reproductive fitness and not merely potential willingness to do the devil’s tango.
Catarrhine primates are well known to possess large patches of exposed skin on their faces and hindquarters, and to possess skin color that varies in response to fertility, pregnancy, and other reproductive phases, as well as social status. […] For example, red male rhesus macaques (Macaca mulatta) receive more sexual solicitations by more females than pale pink males, suggesting the potential importance of both chroma and luminance.
Those poor, pale pink monkeys.
A woman’s constitutive skin colour (her pigmentation sans smoking and suntanning) is, on average, lighter than that of her male counterpart of the same race. For this reason, women have higher contrast faces, with the difference between their lip luminance and skin tone greater than in men. A dark shade of lipstick renders women more attractive in black and white photographs. There you go, tips for women regardless of complexion—dark lipstick and not red per se is sufficient.
Thus, red lipstick, in addition to simulating arousal and indicating good health, is an exaggeration of sexual dimorphism (the physical difference between men and women) much like waxing one’s legs or accentuating an hourglass silhouette. Sex typicality makes you more attractive as it correlates with the “appropriate estrogen and testosterone levels”, outweighing even “symmetry and colour cues to health” when it comes to appraisals of attractiveness.
For men courting the ladies, I recommend elevator shoes so you can tower over the average woman. Furthermore, an outfit with shoulder pads is a wise investment as it increases perceived shoulder breadth and bilateral symmetry. (Platform shoes and a puffy-sleeved doublet will pair nicely with those parachute pants your lesser dating guru encouraged you to buy.)
Now, whether you hang a big red arrow from your neck pointing to your manhood or slick your lips with a coat of Rouge Dior—isn’t it time you painted the town red, you gorgeous thing?
Blue eyes, brown eyes
Simply putting on your best red dress is not enough; if you’re a woman wishing to attract a blue-eyed man, that is. In a stunning display of homophily—the frankly narcissistic tendency to attraction to those similar to yourself—men with blue eyes show an overwhelming preference for women with “unpigmented stroma of the iris”.
If there’s a sexier phrase in the English language than “unpigmented stroma of the iris”, I’ll eat my red hat. The science behind it? Blue eyes provide an easily visible indicator of heritage, reducing paternity uncertainty when the father’s and child’s phenotypes match. I say ‘reducing’, as playing cuckold to another blue-eyed male is still a possibility. The fact that neither blue-eyed women nor brown-eyed people of either sex have an eye colour preference on anything other than an individual basis further supports this interpretation of the data.
Along with your new all-red wardrobe, consider adding blue contact lenses to your arsenal. But why stop there? Take homophily to the next level and Single White Female every aspect of your would-be sweetheart’s appearance until people mistake you for them—or at least their sibling. Imitation—it’s the finest form of flattery.
When I first wrote about blue-eye preference, I was told I was “racist” for merely disseminating the results of a study. Somewhat puzzling considering blue-eyed and brown-eyed Caucasian women are of the same race. Still, when did facts stop the virtue signallers and victimhood wallowers from being nasty?
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