Introducing, the Procrastination Busters
Highly-trained life coaches with no more than five criminal convictions between them
Feeling unmotivated? Frittering each and every day away? Whether you prefer the carrot or the stick—or being beaten with the carrot—one of our accredited ex-con life coaches is sure to get you pumped. Whatever your budget and level of neuroticism, the Procrastination Busters can help you get back on track… today!
Motivational packages
Catholic Nun, $9.99/hr
In the Divine Intervention package a nun will rap you on the knuckles with a ruler anytime you reach for your phone.
Mildly disappointed grandfather, $12.99/hr
Should you select this package, an unassuming grandfatherly figure will be moved into your home on a permanent basis. When you plop down on the couch, he’ll shake out his newspaper, look over the top of his half-moon spectacles and say, “Taking a break already? Well, you might not be a great success, but Pop-Pop is proud of you anyway.” ‘Pop-Pop’ will then hand you a butterscotch candy.
Ragged vagrant, $13.99/hr
A disheveled (wo)man dressed in rags and covered in sores claiming to be you from a timeline gone wrong—a terrible future easily averted “if only you load the dishwasher!”—will harangue you until your house is sparkling clean. (Yes, that is how the next plague starts.)
Xantar, leader of the 2038 anti-robot uprising, $15.99/hr
In the High Stakes package, an actor clad in futuristic armour will barge into your home office, claiming it’s imperative you complete your task—the fate of humanity depends on it. “So, er, finish that spreadsheet by close of business today, or the robots will replace us much sooner than you think!”
(Please be patient with “Xantar”, this is his first lead role since the State Penitentiary’s production of My Fair Lady.)
Dungeon Master, $23.99/hr
The Work Will Set You Free package is a little on the pricey side, particularly if you purchase the iron chain attachment (compatible with most models of swivel-chair), but it’s worth every penny.
The Dungeon Master will stand behind you, breathing down your neck. The studded leather of his costume will creak as it’s pulled tight across bulging muscle. Periodically, you’ll hear the crack of knuckles—real not the brass kind, though he’s got those too—and a menacing grunt. The safe-word is the sound of you typing, hard at work.
Rest assured, the Dungeon Master will not physically harm you. Unless you have the audacity to remark, “Hey, aren’t you the bloke who plays the nun character? Same five o’clock shadow…” after he removes his executioner’s cowl. This could be taken as a slight against his acting talents and would break the carefully cultivated immersive experience he was working towards.
Hamlet’s Dad’s Ghost, $29.99/hr
In this oddly specific motivational package, the ghost of the former King of Denmark will appear to you at night to ask when you’ll finally be in the right scare quotes “headspace” to avenge him. (When you’re a classically trained actor, you’ll naturally want to do a little Shakespeare from time to time.)
Grim Reaper, $39.99/hr
Under the Memento Mori motivational system you’ll be paired with a life coach dressed as the grim specter of death. He will do naught but examine an hourglass whilst nodding gravely in your direction and sliding a hand up and down a scythe. It’s expensive, but it’s not like you have that many hours left, is it?
Three ex-cons with an interest in the dramatic arts, the Procrastination Busters used to bust teeth, caps, and out of jail, but now they’ve turned their life around—and so can you.
Personally, I’d prefer the Dungeon Master package—how about you? Thank you to everyone who has supported me in various ways, whether by subscribing, buying me a coffee, commenting on a post, liking a post, or simply taking the time to read a post (thus burning down the inestimably precious wick of your existence). Till next time!