Realtor Responds To Irate Clients Who Purchased Haunted Homes
We gave you the home of your dreams—nightmares count as dreams—and you had the ghoul, er, gall to complain about it
Re: Slime oozing out of bathroom faucets
Dear Mr Johnson,
I’m so happy you and your family are enjoying the multiple bathrooms of your new home. It must be such a relief with a large family to not have to time showers!
Regarding the issue you’ve raised concerning the greenish-black slime leaking from the pipes, I’ve been informed it’s probably just the copper they’re made of. As for the slime following your family up the staircase, well, what did you think the listing meant by “a house with character” if not a sentient malevolence?
Yours,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Re: Misleading advertising
Dear Mrs Bell,
I would kindly ask you to watch your language in your communication with me. Rest assured, I would never stoop to tactics like using a fish-eye lens for interior photos. Fact is, the house really is slightly larger on the inside than the outside. I get it that its dimensions are a little disquieting, but think of all the extra space.
Nor did I misquote the number of rooms… technically speaking. Is it really false advertising just because the library, dance studio, and games room all happen to be the same room manifesting differently according to the occupant’s psyche to feed off them for all eternity? (That’s a rhetorical question.)
Best,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Re: The rats in the walls
Good evening Ms Jones,
We assure you that we had the house blessed before you arrived. As for the infestation, there were no man-sized rats in the walls when I sold it to you. Perhaps regular-sized or slightly-plumper-than-usual rats, but certainly no “gigantic, man-eating ones”. In the future, I suggest you invest in a Pest & Poltergeist inspection before signing any contracts.
Sincerely,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Re: Re: Re: The topiary animals are creeping closer to the house
Greetings Mr Gable,
Yes, it is like the topiary is alive, after all, they are trees. I can refer you to a landscaping company, it’s the best I can do. Also, I’m not sure why you’re so upset about the hedge maze that sprung up overnight—children love mazes. I suspect that when you finally locate yours, they’ll be able to tell you this themselves.
Always happy to help,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Re: Caretakers refuse to leave
Hello Ms Clarke,
I’m afraid you can’t dismiss the help, legally speaking. They come with the house. Mr and Mrs Burton have been its caretakers for over fifty years, it’s their home too. I mean, they are buried on its grounds.
Happy to be of service,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Re: Found some highly disturbing stuff in the basement
Dear Mr Peters,
All basements are creepy, and most attics. (Cellars are about fifty-fifty.)
You should be looking at a furnished basement as an opportunity. I’d kill to have such a well-equipped and not to mention tarp-lined basement. The latter has certainly kept the red paint from the previous owner’s “I’ll be back” from dripping onto the floor. On that note, he mentioned popping by for some red rum. If you find it in the basement, please do let me know.
Your faithful agent,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Re: “I want my money back”
Mr Jameson,
I have listened to all seventeen voice messages you left me overnight, and I must say I did not care for the tone of your panicked screaming one bit. In particular, I think it was rude of you to hang up mid-way through your last message. What sort of goodbye is “Arrghhh’”?
What exactly did you think I meant by historic if not “haunted” and “the site of multiple, gruesome murder-suicides”? Please be aware that the cooling-off period has now expired and the sale is now final.
Kind regards,
Sandra of Omens Realty
Thanks to Kyrie Gray who initially hosted this on Austen’s Wastebasket for daily humor and made some very good suggestions to boot.